We often took different paths to get here. We have been married 2 years, 4 years, 10 or perhaps 30 years, we may or may not have children. At any rate, here we are. Many of us are for the foreseeable future going to stay married. Some have chosen the path of separation and/or divorce. Within the group participants can hear about the many perspectives on marriage; glean what is useful, share what you think is helpful. Most importantly know you have worth, there are options, and there is hope.

According to research by Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D. in The Other Side of the Closet, The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families (New York, John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 1994) there are approximately two million mixed orientation marriages and roughly 3.5 million children of these marriages. Clearly, we are not alone in this crisis.

There are many facets of ourselves, our partner, and our children to consider as we move forward. Our spouses' world is probably shattered. Everything they thought they knew about themselves and you now might feel like a myth. The spouse will need to rebuild their sense of identity just as you the gay/bi man will be finding yours. If there are children, the kids will benefit from having a close, loving, supporting relationship from their father. Their world is being dramatically rocked also and the more stability that can be found for everyone the better. Most children do seem to fare better if told about their fathers’ orientation as soon as possible, otherwise they can feel as if they were left out on a very important secret. If there is going to be a separation or divorce then putting some time between the “coming out” and the new living situation can make everything easier to process and less overwhelming.

Children will pick up on how their mother and father are feeling about the situation. When presented as frankly as possible and in a positive light, the kids will usually adapt easier. This is why many fathers choose to include their families in LGBT community activities, to show healthy relationships and help them connect with others in similar situations.

Many gay/bi men express having their true orientation known as a burden lifted from their shoulders. The mental energy used to compartmentalize this part of themselves is enormous and can lead to much anger, defensiveness, poor self-esteem and stress. Counseling, support groups such as GbMMS and other support mechanisms will all help with this part of the journey of life.

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